Pathetically identifying self to teenage heroine...(grow up woman!)

Last night I finally get it how is it like to be Mia Thermopolis...always lies about what she truly feels!! OMG...I have trouble about expressing my real feelings huh?
And I would never be as daring as Lena Kaligaris...no way!!
Thank God men are such idiots, besides being very very kind too.
I hope I won't crash very hard. O please don't...

5-8 Agustus 2005

Yea aku senang sekali ke bandung waktu itu. yea walopun adanya jembatan layang yang mengerikan itu(oh dan jangan lupa pengamen yg dikasi gopek tapi minta rokok, trus ngancam mo ngegoret mobil, oh I HATE HIM SO MUCH)...bandung's still bandung:
tempat belajar sambil (banyakan) makan2 & hura2, tempat nongkrong liat citylight, tempat teman-teman tersayangku, tempat jatuh cinta, dijatuhi cinta, patah hati dan mematahkan hati, tempat berjuang jd seniman grapisss (do'ohhhh!!!), tempat where style n price r combined perfectly..............

oh senangnya ketemu pepeng lagi, gosip2 n ketawa2 lagi
jalan-jalan sama eno yang kecil sederhana dan lemahlembut tapi lincah
dan bareng cmenk yg slalu full gosip n full bahan obrolan (n ofcourse FULL STYLE)
dan bahkan aku senang juga ke Image Nation (though he's still mad at me, and now i kinda understand that feeling), kagum sama usaha mreka yg konsisten (gak kaya gw ya:P)
dan liat anaknya noy, Dafa, yg gampang digendong :)
dan ketemu roti sayangku lagi dan lega karena he's now in good hands

tapi tentu aja idup mreka jg udah berubah...funny...rasanya baru aja ikutan P4 bareng.
wahhh tapi pepeng sekarang udah merit ama cali, dah punya mika pula. masa2 bikin kue bareng yg abis dimakan sendiri, curhat2 di malam hari(umm..gw ga curhat mslku yg terakhir...), cabut ke lembang pagi2 n beli sendal bapak2 di pasar...
cmenk punya rumah sendiri yg temboknya ada yg merah n garis2 item putih+ punya dalmatian yg gede n manis n smart n friendly. masa2 nongkrong rame2 di kamarnya di siliwangi, nonton parabola+laser disc, mbantuin ngerias seurieus...
noy yg dah kerja n bkeluarga (jadi jg yah sama kang denny). wah pdhal dia dulu tmn kencanku di malam minggu n tempat berkeluh kesah sesama jomblo sambil minum teh di sore hari :)
yaaa cuman eno yg hampir senasib ama gw sekarang, jomblo yg pengen merit, tapi apbolbu, jdnya cari duit di ibukota nan kejaaaaammm....

pengennya kalo merit balik lagi ke bandung, tinggal di ppr, ngambil roti balik lagi, n hangout with them again (trus ada tita n deden pula yg bkl balik ke indo), tapi trus kerja jadi apa ya??

mungkin Jakarta Books nanti jadi spt Gramedia trus bikin Bandung Books...;)

Sadistis

AAAAAKKKHHH

Dia telah
menusukku
dalam dan jitu
Sakiiiit

Darah
telah tercurah
ke luar nadiku
ke dalam nadinya

Kuputar tubuh
dendam bergemuruh
Kucari dia
Tak ada!

AAAAAKKKHHH

Dia tusuk aku
lebih dalam!
Darahku! Pedihku!

Kuputar tubuh! Amarah membara!
Tak ada!
Menusuk lagi! AAAKKHH! Kucari dia!
Tak ada! AAAAKKKKHHHHHH!!

Tarik nafas
perlahan
diam
murka kutahan
sakit kutahan
jerit kutahan

Mengendap-endap
perlahan sekali

KEPLLAAAAAAAKKKKKHHHH!!!

ujung bibirku naik
perlahan sekali
membentuk senyuman
puas sekali

mataku menari
menikmati setiap mili
darah yang terciprat
tubuh yang terburai
sayap yang terkoyak
dari dia si nyamuk keparat


(Nyamuk:
Siapa tahu deritaku?

makan darah amis
demi hidup sehari

dibenci semua makhluk
kecuali pacarku sesama nyamuk

berujud jelek
cuma bisa ML dengan pacarku sesama jelek

dan bahkan itupun
aku belum sempat....

AAAAKKKKHHHH)

Love Crap/b

Inspired again by Anita (she's such an inspiration!!;)). contrary to her i think i am addicted to love n romance n stuff, but when it comes to practice i simply SUCK. such a crap in it!!! help!!

i want to love and be loved, n have got both, but i think they should be well combined and not go separately, shouldn't they??
i love those who i don't suppose to (n who doesn't return it, those LOOSERS!!). and i am too scared and too prideful to do anything about it.
i can't love back those who loves me, and i can't turned 'em down with no hurts, and i can't keep my friendship with 'em.

Oh! ouououohhh!! just look the last time i met my X. he didn't even wanna look at me. didn't talk to me. why?? what did i do wrong??? if i couldn't love it's not fair to go on with it rite??

But ohhh!! ououououoooooohhhh!! and look when i start to feel rejected!! i just...don't wanna look n talk at all. too scared n prideful, haven't i mentioned before?

Gw liat n denger tuh infotainments, majalah, radio, novel, obrolan. kawin, cerai, selingkuh, ngelaba, ngegebet, jadian, nembak, ML. ringan-ringan aja kan? why can't i?? kalo jadian kan:
1. karena kau cinta
2. bertujuan untuk merit, yg buat seumur idup!

Humm..mungkin jadian utk penjajakan. tp stl 2x gagal, gw merasa gak sanggup lg utk go through with it again bila gak melibatkan 2 hal di atas.

As a Cancer Crab i do have this ambition: to get happily married and start a happy family of my own. that is one ambition that i am so scared not being able to achieve it!!!

Maybe these lyrics DO describe me perfectly:

You say
Love is a temple
Love a higher law
Love is a temple
Love the higher law

-One (U2)

Crab Sistahs

Ehehehehe, baru baca blognya anita. tentang menjadi Cancer! day dreaming, homey, sensitive, peace-loving, security-longing, no-ambition Cancer. can't say that i am warm though (maybe to a very few people) most people will say i am cool to cold. that is mostly cuz i just can't express the warmth inside my soft, fragile heart to the outside of my fatty body ---> belly n butt but not boobs (buehhbuehhhblleeeekhhh:P). n' dunno about making people comfortable. i think most people feel uncomfortable with my silence. well that's because if i feel uncomfortable with people, i fell silent. and i almost always feel uncomfortable with new people!!! do'ohhhh...goes round n round doesn't it?? (n there are people i always feel uncomfortable to. as to bosses or friends' parents or gaul abesss people or pengajian people. ehehehhee...dasar setan...)

Enuff about me, me, me. OK. about other Cancers. actually Anita, SHE IS THE FIRST CANCER I'VE EVER MET THAT IS MORE OR LESS AS CANCER AS I AM!!!! CONGRATULATIONS, YOU LUCKY CRABBY LITTLE SISTAH (hhweeheheh, apa untungnya lage...)!! only 3 cancer friends i have as long as i know:

1. Sisca: one of high school best friends. happily married with 1 child, is pregnant with the second. is she sensitive? not quite i guess. not very daydreaming-y or fantasizing-y, although quite creative, i mean have taste in fashion n stuff.

2. Zinnia: high school friend. very creative, talented graphic designer. sensitive i think, but not picky in friends. infact, she has TONZZ of pals. definitely not cool or calm. very warm n friendly n talkative.

3. Inge: bates best friend. very outgoing, adventorous, easygoing person. definitely not picky in friends!! sensitive? maybe...beneath all the toughness. dunno if she can find any time for daydreaming (always going somewheres with somebodys if not working). but she has dreams, surely!

By da way, where are crab bros??? funny to realize i don't have male cancer friends. hello youuu... i wanna check what you guys are like!!!

The Lioness Who Shuts Up Back

And he didn't really know where he was going, but he did know he was going somewhere, because you really have to go somewhere, don't you?

And he didn't really know what was going to happen to him, but he did know that something was going to happen, because something always does, doesn't it?

-Lafcadio, The Lion Who Shots Back (Shel Silverstein)

...and I feel the feelings of a lion turned into a man, only to find out that he would never be a man, but also couldn't go back to be a lion anymore, and then just go and go and go and doesn't really know to....? maybe just to buy more marshmallows (ha ha kalo yg terakhir I don't feel it cuz no more marshmallows for me, harom hukumnya! chocolate maybe).

I'll Be There For You

Artist: The Rembrandt's (not Bon Jovi, not that version, do'oh!!)

So no one told you life was going to be this way.
Your job's a joke, you're broke, you're love life's DOA.
It's like you're always stuck in second gear,
Well, it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year.

But, I'll be there for you, when the rain starts to pour.
I'll be there for you, like I've been there before.
I'll be there for you, cause you're there for me too.

You're still in bed at ten, the work began at eight.
You've burned your breakfast, so far, things are going great.
Your mother warned you there'd be days like these,
But she didn't tell you when the world has brought you down to your knees.

That, I'll be there for you, when the rain starts to pour.
I'll be there for you, like I've been there before.
I'll be there for you, cause you're there for me too.

No one could ever know me, no one could ever see me.
Seems like you're the only one who knows what it's like to be me.
Someone to face the day with, make it through all the rest with,
Someone I'll always laugh with, even at my worst, I'm best with you.

It's like you're always stuck in second gear,
Well, it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year.

But, I'll be there for you, when the rain starts to pour.
I'll be there for you, like I've been there before.
I'll be there for you, cause you're there for me too.

Smelly Cat

Artist: Phoebe Buffay

Three, four...

Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat,
What are they feeding you?
Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat
It's not your fault

They won't take you to the vet
You're obviously not their favorite pet
Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat,
It's not your fault

You may not be a bed of roses
You're not friend to those with noses
I'll miss you before we're done
Or the world will smell as one

Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat,
What are they feeding you?
Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat
It's not your fault

(Phoebe) Oh are we done?

One, two, what's that smell?

Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat,
What are they feeding you?
Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat
You're getting fat

I think that I'm gonna be sick
It's your ears, and nose and pick
Part of it, tempt me

One, two, what's that smell?

All the dogs in the neighborhood
Are saying this for your own good
What, you're fat, so you can't run
No fun, I bet, No fun

Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat,
Porno makes you eat like that
I saw you in the shopping mall

Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat,
It's not your fault,
Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat,
It's not your fault
Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat,
It's not your fault

We know what was in your food
They say it might affect your mood

You smell like something dead (3x)

One, two, what's that smell?

(Phoebe)Yeah, that's not the song

20 Questions Penting- Gak Penting Still Unanswered

1. Kenapa ada beberapa kue yang udah dibuat secara hati-hati sesuai step by step dan takaran yang setepat-tepatnya, tetep BANTET????

2. Kenapa saya selalu malu sama laki-laki? (jiji banget)

3. Kenapa KrisDayanti, Kristina, Elma Theana, suka :
a. bulumata palsu yang sangat tebal sehingga keliatan kalo itu palsu
b. rambut yg dihairspray/gel sampe gak bisa goyang lagi+mengembang tinggi sekali
c. bayangan idung (ini asli or ditambahin sih?)
d. lipstik yg dipoles ngelewatin wilayah aslinya

4. Apakah orang emang dilahirkan dg sifat tertentu? Maksudnya, apa org jahat itu dari sananya emang punya sifat jahat? dan org baek dari sananya baek? apa semua orang pada dasarnya baek? trus, kenapa dong dia bisa jahat? bukannya ada anak yg dari kecilnya udah keliatan jahat? trus, kalo emang dari sananya dia jahat, gak adil dong kalo mau insaf susah, dibanding org yg emang dr sananya bakat baik? trus, kalo emang gak insaf, gak adil dong nantinya dia masuk neraka, padahal kan dia gak minta dilahirin jahat? enak dong orang yg emang udah baik, khan gampang masuk surga?

5. Benarkah orang itu sebaiknya punya banyak teman? gimana kalo gak mampu? maksudnya gak punya kepribadian yang cukup menarik orang buat berteman? apakah jelek kalo males ketemu dg banyak orang? boleh gak kalo cuman temenan ama 5 orang aja misalnya, tp berteman baik? haruskah peduli dg teman yg sebenernya cuman kenal doang?

6. Kenapa kalo banyak makan, perut dan pantat gw tambah gendut, sedangkan kalo grace deviona makannya banyak bodi tetep kurus?

7. Kok bisa ya Shel Silverstein itu lucu dan pinter banget?

8. Kok bisa ya Jonet hobi nonton Dunia Lain?

9. Kok bisa ya orang suka sinetron2nya Punjabi????

10. Kok Lucky Indonesian Idol tereliminasi sehhhh?

11. Kok Jennifer Hudson American Idol tereliminasi sehhh???

12. Kenapa ya gw gak pernah mampu temenan dg bos, biarpun dia orgnya baek dan ngedeketin gue misalnya candra kawanku?

13. Kenapa bisa ada orang yang diberi hidayah dan tidak, dan apakah orang yg tidak diberi hidayah itu pasti gak masuk surga? kasian dong orang-orang yang giat beribadah di luar Islam, taroklah mereka gak diberi hidayah, padahal mereka ibadah dg tulus dan emang bener2 berhati baek, masak iya Tuhan tega "menyesatkan" mereka terus dg gak memberi hidayah sampe akhir hayatnya? tapi kalo misalnya Tuhan emang menerima semua, lalu apa gunanya orang yang diberi hidayah? apakah gue dosa nanya2 begini?

14. Kenapa liur anjing itu haram?? kenapa idung anjing basah itu haram?? apa salah anjing??? dan masak gw pernah nanya gini ama temen gw (nah kalo dia sih gak problem karena gak suka ama anjing), eh bukannya diberi jwban yg memuaskan malah dibilangin, kalo percaya sama Nabi Muhammad saw ya percaya lah dan ikuti saja. Gw salah ya merasa guilty feeling sama anjing gw, yang menyayangi gw tapi dilahirkan dg sifat suka menjilat dg liurnya yang haram itu?? Kenapa Tuhan membuat sifat anjing begitu trus mengharamkannya? Ato jangan2 gw malah dituduh mentingin anjing gw dibandingin Nabi??? Padahal kan saya cuman ingin tau kenapa?

15. Kan babi itu haram ya. Okelah kalo emang gak boleh makan dagingnya dan turunannya. Tapi haramkah dia untuk disentuh juga? Trus gimana kalo ada anak babi yang tak berdosa ditabrak mobil, haramkah gw utk membawanya ke dokter hewan?? katanya harus menyelamatkan jiwa makhluk Tuhan.

16. Kenapa jadi bertanya-tanya masalah agama??

17. Kenapa gw ga ada kerjaan terus ya akhir2 ini? jangan-jangan gw mau dipecat...hhhiiiksss...eh kalo ini will be answered ya.

18. Kenapa artis makin seneng telanjang ya? emang enak ya diliatin?

19. Kenapa punggung gw SELALU jerawatan, padahal muka gw enggak?

20. Why do birds suddenly appear everytime you are near?...ooopsss...salah ya...ini pertanyaan o*** buat ****t ;P

Happy

Well not that Hippy Hopping Happy, but I am happy (which I would like to treasure it as long as possible because when was the last time I am happy???) because:

1. Edra ga tatut lagi sama akuuuuuuuu :)) lega dehhh gak guilty feeling lageh dan smoga cepet sembuh, kesian banget masak TBC lagi. ehehehe tp kalo living together lagi bisa jadi gw galak lagi, susah bangeeeettt ngambil keputusan yg bijaksana dimanakala darah naek semua ke kepala. Huummm I have mended a broken relationship (or God did it actually, emangnya gw ngapain? gw kan apatis hehehe), tinggal yg satu lagi......lebih baik dibiarin broken aja kali. I don't wanna and I can't stand to GET HURT. Let me be selfish, I just DON'T WANNA DON'T WANNA DON'T WANNA DON'TTTT...hurt me pliiizz.

2. Aku mau CUTI dan KE BANDUNG, yupppuuudupidupudupiyeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!